Guilt

There is that one fraction of a second before you do something terrible and then there is an eternity afterwards. If you couldn't stop yourself in that moment before then you pass a point when it cannot be undone anymore and then your life changes forever. And it hurts to know that there is nothing you can do anymore, you just gotta live fighting through the guilt and the regret. And there is also the realization that you have no one to talk to because no one would understand and that makes you feel so god damn lonely. The best thing you can do is write cryptic posts on a dead forum hoping that maybe someone reads it and then you don't have to be completely alone going through this.

Eventually it gets better though. The feelings subside and the guilt fades away. What remains will be but a subtle scar reminding you not to repeat the same mistake again. And may the universe give you strength to keep to that promise because oh how fucked up we all are, we will always repeat everything all over again and force ourselves and others to go through the same pain again.

Sometimes I think to myself - hey it's all just in my head. These feelings are just the results of a broken mind. What if I can get inside there and just turn it all off. And so I sit down and force myself to rethink all my beliefs and to find an easier life path. And sometimes it actually works, but usually not for long because in the end it always comes back and it always goes down the same way and I always find reasons to hate myself. Maybe I'm just so fundamentally fucked or maybe there is something out there that doesn't want me to ever be happy. I don't even know anymore.