At first it was to test the bounds, a teen knows there are levels to this sort of thing. Taboos of knowledge.
How the world works, myths, children's tales...
How the adult world works... sex, alcohol, violence, as concepts.
Then to see it, what we would rather keep away from the public. Pornography, the dead.
Finally, so far at least., depravity being committed. Most of us keep away from this sort of thing. At first I felt, this is the last thing I don't need to see, that I think I should. It wokill happen. I followed through.
Next, to justify my intrigue, I lied that it was to steel myself for the real world. I flinch at torture and wanton personal blunt or bladed attacks, and small extremities being wounded.
I prefer the deaths more impersonal. To see a mass shooting play out as a viewer is immensely satisfying to me. Now, I don't know why I do this.
This is the one thing I feel really indicates something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. Why would any normal person be attracted to the idea of viewing graphic death?
Surely I must be not normal... weird. One of those maladjusted people. But I dont feel that way in public. Alone it comes out. I want to get over this stage of my life, where I masturbate and then, motivated by shame, immediately switch to videos of grown men committing suicide, just to mask the shame I feel inside. Who made me this way besides myself? And do I have to stay?
Want to leave a comment?
I've watched gore videos from time to time to remind myself of the depths of human depravity and of how tragic random accidents can be. There's nothing wrong with wanting to steel yourself against the worst the world has to offer you if you truly mean to do that and it isn't really a mask for something beyond even a morbid curiosity. The videos don't titillate me though and I get no satisfaction from them. A few, the worst of them, have even left a bit of traumatic imprint on me which I feel is for the better, one shouldn't be attracted to or numb to such things.
What you're describing in yourself borders on a lack of human empathy though and, combined with this recurring self-loathing you profess, that can be a dangerous combo. I'm no psychologist though so I don't know the best way to help you but I would recommend seeing a professional about it, definitely not a chat bot mind you, even if you just find a free online psych to talk to, it could greatly help you parse and handle the feelings and questions you have. You're in your teens, part of a generation that has been inundated by the hyperreality of an insane amount of amygdala-hijacking shit. Your generation, for reasons unknown to me, is also the most prudish and conservative in relation to sex and pornography since before the Boomers which is crazy to me but does go a ways towards explaining the goon-to-shame cycle. Were you sexually abused at all? That shame at enjoying sexual things can be a facet of post-abuse trauma. Could go a long way towards resolving things for you if you have an obvious root issue like that you can work through with a pro. In any event. Don't kill yourself, don't kill anyone else there's always hope so long as you don't do either of those. I've been on the suicidal side myself, a bunch of times and fore every time I didn't do it there always came something wonderful that I'm so glad I lived to experience, even amongst all the dystopian bullshit of this world. When those moments come for you you'll be thankful you didn't rob yourself or someone else of the potential for them.