The Spork Incident or Why I Don't Use Sporks Anymore

It was a nice chilly summer afternoon, a Sunday if I remember correctly. I was eating at this fancy but affordable dining place called The Joe's Grill. It was located in this old-fashioned wooden building with a wide veranda, overlooking a small garden. The atmosphere was very relaxed and filled with positive vibes. Women were chatting gaily, children were laughing, and men were quietly enjoying their steaks. I was sitting at my usual place, the table with a single seat in the corner of the veranda, which was shadowed from the afternoon sun but also had a great view of the garden, just sipping my tea and feasting on the mini-croissants that I was picking up from my plate with a fork. All seemed well in the world. I was very enthusiastic about spending the rest of the day in an equally chill and unbothered fashion. Oh how foolish I was, how unaware of the horrors that were soon to unfold before me in this Earthly paradise.

It all began when I was approached by a waiter who offered to refill my tea. "Sir, would you like me to refill your tea for you? It's on the house" he said while holding a jug of freshly brewn black tea. "It's ok, I think I have had enough of tea for today" I replied, as I didn't feel like drinking another cup. The waiter, however, either by his own initiative or due to the instructions that were given to him by the management, didn't leave me be. "Sir, you are a frequent guest of our little establishment. We feel like we are obligated to offer you something special from us. Would you like an apple soda?" He glanced at me with a smile after he finished talking, but his smile started withering away as he began noticing the expression on my face. "Apple ... soda ..." I kept mumbling. An intense feeling of anger arose from within me as I was thinking over the words that the waiter had just uttered. "Apple ... soda ... apple soda ... APPLE SODA?!" I screamed so loudly that everyone else eating at The Joe's Grill went instantly silent. The waiter, now pale and with a look of fear and confusion, began slowly backing away from my table. I pushed away my plate and rose to my feet. I didn't really look around, but I'm assuming everyone had their eyes on me. The waiter continued backing away from me as I walked slowly towards him while speaking, "An apple soda, huh? Is that how you wish to repay me for my dedication? Is that how you treat your best customers? No...you must be out of your mind. All you freaks who work here must be out of your FUCKING MIND!!!" I picked up a random plate from the nearest table and slammed it as hard as I could on the floor. Bits and pieces of ceramic went flying all around. A faint cry of "but that was my potato salad!" sounded somewhere from the table that I just terrorized, but I didn't bother and just proceeded walking towards the unlucky waiter, who had tripped over a chair and fell over the very moment I smashed the plate. I walked up to him and bent down slightly to speak to him. "Do you know anything about how they make apple soda these days? Do you?!" He shook his head nervously in response and I continued with my speech. "Do you know about all the chemicals that they put in it? The artificial flavourings, the artificial sugar. Do you know anything about those things? Well, I certainly do. And I am not going to consume those things." I straightened up and turned around, walking back towards my seat. With my back still to the waiter, I shouted "I shall have bean soup instead!"

The Joe's Grill went back to it's normal operation in no time. The only evidence of my little dissatisfaction were the small bits of ceramic that were still scattered all over the floor. But even those were being hastily picked up by an old lady who cleans the floors at Joe's. The waiter had disappeared into the kitchen and was probably telling the chef about my order. I picked up my fork and continued munching on the remaining mini-croissants and finishing up my tea. It took quite a while for the chefs to prepare my soup. The sun had already shifted from its previous position and a few rays of light began falling onto my table. Despite the delay, I was actually back to my joyful mood as soon as I saw the waiter carrying the tray with my bean soup towards my table. "Ahh! Thank you so much my man" I said as the waiter placed the bowl before me. "Sir, here is a spork to assist you with your dining" the waiter said while handing me a shiny new spork. I took the spork and proceeded slurping away at the soup, piercing the beans with the pointy edges of the utensil and scooping up the soup with the spoon-part of the spork. The spork was in fact the best utensil for such a meal.

Absorbed in the act of consuming my soup, I was almost completely ignorant of the red Ford Mustang that just pulled up to The Joe's Grill. Out of the car, emerged a group of zoomer crypto traders who then proceeded making their way to the restaurant. They were talking loudly and listening to obnoxious music on their cellphones, which attracted so much attention from everyone around them. That alone would be enough for a man to start hating those people, but that was nothing compared to what was about to happen.

The events that I am about to describe bring tears to my eyes whenever I have to recall them. Even now, as I'm writing, I cannot stop myself from crying. Even though no one reading this would (hopefully) ever get to experience something like this for themselves, the description of these events may still bring up various negative emotions in the reader, therefore I advise the faint of heart and the emotionally unwell to stop reading immediately.

As I was busy devouring my bean soup, the group of obnoxious zoomer crypto traders had made their way up onto the veranda. "Wow, this place is sure chill bro, just as you told us" one of them said. "Yeah bro, I could just play Fortnite and watch my crypto investments grow all day here. A glass of apple soda would make this 10x better like for real bro. Ayo, where the waiter at?" another one of them proclaimed. The waiter emerged from the insides of the building and showed the group to an empty table, which was right beside mine. I was still eating my soup so I wasn't paying very close attention to the group of zoomers, but they on the other hand were observing me with high interest. As they came closer to me, one of them shouted "Yoooo guys look! Is that mafucker using a spork?! LMAO." They all began laughing uncontrollably. I stopped eating and looked up at them. What a nasty group. There were 5 of them. They were all wearing bright coloured attire with pictures of NFTs on it. One dude was holding his phone up in the air, playing the latest hit songs on maximum volume. Another dude was standing in the back of the group and recording everything that was happening with his phone camera. I stared at them for a moment before speaking, "So...what's wrong with using a spork?" The group bursted out laughing. "LMAO, he's asking what's wrong with using a spork! Hahahaha!" I was quite shocked at their rude behaviour. I didn't know what to say or how to react. I just sat there, frozen. Eventually the zoomers quieted down and one of them stepped up to speak to me. "Dude, haven't you heard about spork+? It's the latest model. The OG spork is only good for museums now dude. Literally nobody uses it anymore." He then proceeded with explaining to me how and where I could purchase the latest spork+, but I wasn't really listening. My spirit had fallen completely. All the joy, the happiness, everything left me. It's like I became a completely different person. The zoomer eventually ended his speech with "So yeah dude, you should leave." I stood up and left. As I was walking away, I heard one of the zoomers shouting "Wassup chat! Today, as part of a promotion campaign for our latest memecoin, we will be donating a spork+ to every person in this restaurant!" Everyone at The Joe's Grill began cheering.

And that is why I don't use sporks anymore.