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sexo

1) yes

2) sometimes

I rarely feel cold (California). I tend to feel lonely at night, although I feel that lonely is not an accurate representation of myself.

I bring the lonely aspect upon myself. I'm quite addicted to scrolling. Even now I just switched to mainchan to find some respite from Instagram, which long ago had exhausted anything interesting to me. It's very easy for me to make friends or small talk, I'm quite extroverted. However I struggle with romantic connections. I have dated two girls, both after my 19th birthday. Each relationship lasted less than two months, and I intentionally ended it before it could become sexual. I am a virgin still at 20. This choice was not made by an adherence to religion, scripture has little bearing on my life (Note I did not say God has little bearing). I feel a heavy honeymoon period before a sudden steep and tremendous drop occurs in which I realize I am wasting valuable time and resources seeing someone whom I know will not be the one. Thus, I cut her loose.

Today was a Sunday, my one day off. I staying inside my hotel room all day, eyes peeled away from everything except my phone. There was nothing on it for me aside from garbage. I have not been happy online since I was 17. Or even younger. On occasion I get a strange thought in my mind: "people like me deserve to be killed, rounded up like cattle and slaughtered". Where this comes from I don't know. Perhaps a sense of guilt or deep shame? I visualize my ancestors in heaven viewing me in bed, furiously masturbating to images and ideas horrific, bizarre and unknown to them in their time. What is wrong with him to not seek organically romantic or sexual gratification from others as we have always done? Does he not know?

I do know. But I am a slave.

God, if you're listening, please, kill the whipping screen.